Bleakness, in the winter, today. Still daylight, but the sky’s had a charcoal tint.
The last tune was Rickover’s Dream, from Michael Hedges. A bittersweet-irony theme is in the here-and-now. Rickover’s Dream is an amazing piece, if you like low-key accoustical guitar.
He died @ 43, as most folks know, December 2, 1997 … a somewhat mysterious death … found dead, down a steep embankment, in Mendocino County on State Route 128. Officially, it is believed that he had died several days before he was found, while driving home from the airport in San Fran (International). His BMW had gone off a cliff down about 120 feet.
Yeah, bleakness … mixed with beauty. The snow is pretty fresh, thick on the boughs of the trees. Deep snow, and the Bernese loves it. The bleak sky, listening to some beautiful music from an amazing guitar player who died too young, a lonely tragic death; tapping laptop keys, with my earphones on while my daughter is hanging out with her mom & I.
Me, it could have been a far worse day. I was ticked off at my son toward the middle of the day … personalities clash. We are very much alike. He’s 16, bigger than me. Going over some writings, I found an EMAIL I had sent out March 29th 2009 to a limited distribution. Here is some of what was happening; it was a grueling time:
I went to see (son) at _______ Hospital … very difficult. Hospitalized for over three weeks now … He just wants to come home; I want him to come home too. We have about an hour. We might play a game; I might read to him from a Hardy Boys volume, or some other book. It was hard because I felt so sad, talking to him, asking him boring questions like “How are you feeling, (son)?” “What did you do today?” “How did you sleep last night?” “What did you eat for dinner?”
So, that was three years ago. He’s doing allright now. But he has an attitude (my friends remind me that “an attitude” is not uncommon for a 16 year old boy).
In December of 2008 I had a journal entry, and here are a few words from that writing:
“Shame: a huge, hulking, phantom … towering over me, and in front of me. If I give into Shame, it shows up in my belief that I need to provide more effectively for my family.”
It’s okay, the bleakness. It’s okay, the weakness. There is strength in all this. There is hope. We just have to keep going.